Life, Books, and More....: Broken People attract Broken People...

***WARNING. This content deals with adult situations. It also contains adult language. 18+ ***

Recently I started a book called "Broken People," by Scott Hildreth. It has 40 five star reviews on Amazon. I came across this author through mutual friends in my book world. As you know I love some romance and erotica books. They are always my go to. Why? When I read I use it as an escape from real life. Not that my real life is horrible or anything, but it gives me that out that I need, even if it's only for a few hours a night before bed. Night time is my worst time. As you all know my brother committed suicide in 2011. That year was not a good year for me. I got out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Mostly emotional, but the breaking point was when the physical started. My rock was my family, especially my brother. When i moved back home we re-bonded. We were always close being a little over 4 years apart in age. We never shared friends, clothes, etc. Only one year I can remember we overlapped to go to the same school. I was in a dark place after my failed relationship, and a lot of my best memories after were with Austin. He loved to drive his car, and be goofy. As I would sit in the passenger seat of his sports car he would drive, pound the steering wheel, and sing loudly. The smile that would be on my face from this amazing person would hurt. You know that smile that's been stuck on your face so long that it literally starts to hurt? That's what I would have. It was getting warmer outside and we would sit on our back porch, drink, and just talk. Austin was always my go to. I would get drunk at a bar, and he would be there to pick me up. Even the time he picked me up and I threw up in his sports car he wasn't mad. He pulled over, made sure i was ok, and cleaned his car. (The next day I felt so bad I gave him $30 to have his car professionally cleaned) We were closer than we had ever been, and that's saying a lot, because when he was younger he was my shadow. When I could drive he had to go with me and my friends, especially my best friend and I. I took him with me, not really caring that i was 16 and he was 12. So what. Five months after moving back home, and regaining my brother, and my parents, Austin hung himself in our garage with an extension cord. Austin had some issues. He was around some people that weren't worthy of him, got into smoking a lot of pot, and drinking, but the worst was the K2. K2 is the synthetic weed that the shops around town sell. It isn't legal anymore, but it was. They would change the ingredients as soon as one would be banned to make the new form legal. One time when my brother and I were fishing I tried this K2 with him, and It was horrible. How he liked it I will never know. When Austin died I was heartbroken. My parents were devastated, and his friends were at a loss. It is all a blur to me now those few weeks after he died, because I had surgery two days after, that was already planned and couldn't be rescheduled, so thankfully I was high on some real nice pain medication to get me through his funeral.
With all of this I lost not only my brother(and only sibling) but friends, and even a little bit of my parents. They aren't the same, and how could they be. I don't blame them. I am not the same person I was three years ago either, but it makes for a lonely situation sometimes. I have fought with depression since before Austin's death after my breakup, and today it is no better. I have a wonderful doctor who has gotten me the help i needed along with my parents, but it's not always enough. In 2012 I tried to take my own life, by taking a lot of pills, and thankfully I text a friend right before I did, because when I passed out the next thing i remember is 10 of Austin's friends( who are today like my family and adopted siblings) were at my door waking up my parents to get me help. I survived that night, and I vowed I would never do it again. Why? Because I knew the pain first hand it causes, but also know that you aren't thinking of others when you do these things. Suicide is selfish. There is no other way around it. If you stopped to think of what would happen to the people around you, hopefully, no one would do it. Austin wasn't thinking. They say people who commit suicide only want the pain to go away, and the pain is so great, they don't think about anything else. I first hand, know that pain. I would not wish that pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
So almost three years later here I am, and I come across this book. I have read numerous self help bla bla bullshit books, and they don't do shit. I've been through 2 counselors, many doctors, pills, etc. I've tried to better my life. I'm in school full time almost done with my degree, but a part of me is missing. I don't date, I don't go out anymore, and I keep people at arms length. It's better that way because I don't want to hurt someone else, or get myself hurt. I have had my fair share of "friends with benefits" to fill a need of closeness etc, but that ultimately works for a little while, and then you just feel worse. So when I began reading Broken People i was intrigued. It's not too often you come across a MALE romance/erotica author, but then someone who has also written something so diverse from them. I was really taking in the words of this book. It is fiction, but based on real feelings. Following these five people through their difficult situations. When i got to chapter 11 titled, "Shoes not required," following this young girl Britney is when it this book really took a turn. Britney hangs herself, in her garage. I will not reveal anymore, because if you want to read this book then I don't want to spoil it for you. People who are survivors of suicide all deal with it differently. After reading this chapter I thought to myself, do I really want to keep reading? When i read its my escape like i said, not to relive what I have seen in REAL life. It is different for everyone, for some this book might help them. Who do i think this book will help? The people whom don't understand how to treat others, and how those of us who have dealt with these things truly feel. I would not recommend this book to certain people whom I know would have the same heartbreaking experience reading Chapter 11 that i had. I was laying there crying, and all i could picture was Austin. With following the story I will say I have a view on the different types of survivors of suicide. Britney's boyfriend will eventually move on one day, and he will marry, be in love, and Britney will always be in his mind, but hopefully for him one day it wont hurt as bad, but for Britney's family and sister that day will never come. When it's your family the situation is totally different, and I'm not saying that the boyfriends initial pain will be any less, but eventually his life moves forwards. Just like Austin's friends. They have all moved forward, have their lives, but always have that burden to carry knowing they had a friend whom did it. Me. My parents. We will live the rest of our lives blaming ourselves, second guessing ourselves, and ultimately hating ourselves for things we didn't do or should have done differently. I don't want children because of this, because I never want to have that conversation why they don't have their uncle. I don't have a lot of close friends because bringing a new person into my life always has to start the same way, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" well...I did.......The pain is not any less for others, I believe it is just different.
This is a great book. Very good for those whom don't understand how we feel, or what it feels like to walk a mile in someone that is different than you shoes. Always be kind to people. They can be fat, a different ethnicity, gay, straight, purple, or blue I don't care. You don't know what is hiding inside them. I think this book is something really powerful, and I think that it should be read by everyone who will give it the chance. I decided I will finish it, because I do know that I'm not a quitter. Not on this book, or life, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it gets. My favorite part of this book so far I'm going to let you see. This part sums of just how powerful words can be. Read Broken People, and give someone a hug who needs it, because Broken people shouldn't be helping broken people....we need people who are less broken then us to be our shoulder to cry on.